100days – Day 2 Going on Holiday
Terracotta Warriors – Xian
Yesterday I booked a holiday for later this year. It sounds pretty good:
I’ll be flying from Heathrow to Shanghai, then to Xian and finally Beijing. There will be escorted tours round Shanghai, a visit to see the “Terracotta Army” in Xian, in Beijing – the Forbidden City, and the Temple of Heaven + the Great Wall and the Summer Palace. Eight days in all.
All accommodation is included – and I really hope to find something like this:
A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests. The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.Above All:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope.Here are some more – just for fun:Cocktail lounge, Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
Hotel, Vienna: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. if you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
Hotel lobby, Bucharest: The lift is being fixed for the next day. during that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
Doctor’s office, Rome: Specialist in women and other diseases.
A laundry in Rome: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In an Italian cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
Hotel brochure, Italy: This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. in fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.
In a Swiss Mountain inn: Special today – No ice-cream.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Borest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for this purpose.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer in Germany: Do not activate with wet hands.
On the grounds of a private school in Scotland: No trespassing without permission
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
Hotel catering to skiers, Austria: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
Taken from a menu, Poland: Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten in the country people’s fashion.
From the Soviet Weekly: Here will be a Moscow exhibition of arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
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