100 days – Day 97: the Glasgow Empire
at the Commonwealth Games, the fastest man in the world, Usain Bolt, has allegedly criticised the Games as being “sh*t”
Bolt was waiting in the rain for his car to arrive in the athletes’ village when he was asked if he was having fun in Scotland. “Not really, the Glasgow 2014 Commonwealth Games are a bit shit”, he allegedly responded.
It remains to be seen what kind of reception he receives from the Hampden Park crowd when he competes in the 4x100m relay heats
Will it be “A Glasgow Empire” ‘welcome’?
The “Empire” was a famous (infamous for some performers) theatre in Glasgow, hosting a vast array of variety acts, singers, comedians, musicians and the like. It closed in the early 1960s
If an act was unpopular with the (usually) tanked-up Glaswegian audience – the performer would “die the death” on stage, as the punters made their feelings known, in no uncertain terms. It was the “graveyard” for English comedians especially.
There is a famous story about singer Des O’Connor who was so overcome by fear that he ended up fainting onstage and had to be carried off.
He always denied it, claiming that the only way to get off stage in one piece was to pretend to collapse.
He was then taken off to hospital and lived to tell the tale. But before he exited the stage the orchestra leader asked him “Is this part of your act?”
Mike and Bernie Winters died a death on their first ever visit to the Empire in a tale that has been gleefully recounted by Billy Connolly on television.
The act started brightly with Mike onstage playing a lively tune on the clarinet. After a couple of minutes Bernie’s face peeked through the curtains wearing a silly leering grin. This drew a shout from the audience; “Christ!, there’s two of them!’
If Usain does get “The Glasgow Empire Welcome”, he can always make a BOLT to safety out of the stadium!
PS: Ken Dodd once debunked attempts to psycho-analyse humour, by saying that “the trouble with Sigmund Freud is that he never played second house at the Glasgow Empire after both halves of the Old Firm had just lost!”
PPS: The conversation between Jamaican track star Usain Bolt and a reporter from the Times has been revealed for the first time.
And it suggests the sprinter may have been describing the weather – not the Games – when he said it was “s***”.
In the transcript, reporter Katie Gibbons asks Bolt: “Are you enjoying the Games? Are you having fun?”
Bolt replies “No” and then explains: “I’m just not.. it’s a bit s***” but in its print edition today, the paper adds the description (shrugs, looks up to grey sky).
100 days – Day 96: Scottie Dogs
THE COMMONWEALTH GAMES: BARKING MAD!
‘Many Muslims refuse to have direct contact with dogs, which are considered by some to be “unclean” in Islamic culture. Some overseas Muslim groups have reportedly previously called for a jihad on dogs.
Possibly making matters worse was the fact that Jock, who was supposed to lead out the Malaysian team, sat down and refused to move as soon as his coat was put on, meaning he had to be carried by the team representative.
Mohamad Sabu, the deputy president of the opposition Pan-Malaysian Islamic Party said: “Malaysia and all Islamic countries deserve and apology from the organiser.
“This is just so disrespectful to Malaysia and Muslims – especially as it happened during Ramadan. Muslims are not allowed to touch dogs, so the organiser should have been more aware and sensitive on this issue.
“It is hoped this incident can teach other Western countries to be more respectful in the future.”
Dato Ibrahim Bin Ali, a far-Right politician, former MP and founder and president of Malay supremacist group Perkasa also called for an apology.
“I think it is unbecoming. The hosts have not been sensitive enough – especially in a so-called knowledgeable and civilised society like Britain,” he said. “It is shameful and has offended not only Malaysia as a Muslim country, but Muslims around the world.” ‘
JOCK, the mascot for the Malaysian team, commented, “Woof, Grrr, Arff!!” (loosely translated: “stupid *****”)
100 days – Day 92
The Commonwealth Games start today in Glasgow.
Originally, the opening ceremony for the Games was going to feature derelict council tower blocks being demolished, before the organisers realised that the competition would last at least twelve years.
Team Scotland’s Glasgow 2014 parade uniform. Maybe this is why Chris Hoy decided to retire before the games.
A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Northern Irishman want to get into the Games but they haven’t got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. “McTavish, Scotland” he says, “Discus”, and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. “Waddington-Smythe, England,” he says, “Pole vault,” and in he walks.
The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. “O’Malley, Northern Ireland,” he says, “Fencing.”
100 days – Day 76: Jings! Crivvens! Help ma Boab!
The Commonwealth Games – Glasgow 2014: photos of the uniforms to be worn by the Scottish team for the Opening Ceremony have been unveiled.
Those of you with an aversion to the “Och aye, the noo! Here’s tae us; wha’s like us? Brigadoon” mentality of my fellow countrymen should look away now. The same for those of a nervous disposition.
Sportsmail columnist John Greechan gives his view on the outfits…
“Oh dear. Oh my. Like someone’s run an old tin of Export through a loom, then covered a swathe of electric blue — more screaming aquamarine, actually — fabric with wee dots. And what about those brown socks? “
Be afraid, be very afraid….. vote AYE! in September, and El Presidente Eck will make it compulsory for eveyone to wear this shortbread and haggis outfit!
As it happens, today – 7 July – marks the 200th anniversary of Sir Walter Scott’s novel Waverley .
In common with many others, I point an accusing finger at Scott for the creation of a ‘shortbread tin lid’ perception of Scotland – based on tartan, stags and romantic Highland scenery.
I’m sure that he would have been delighted with the new uniforms that “Team Scotland” will be sporting (sic) at the forthcoming Games in Glasgow.
100 days – Day 57 Glasgow (Weegieland)
There seem to be a lot of jokes circulating just now about Weegieland.
It wouldn’t surprise me if they originate in Glasgow itself – a city renowned for the wonderful humour of its citizens. Having lived there, and been to school there, it’s true that the Glaswegian can be the warmest, funniest, fiendliest person on the planet…….
…… unless it’s at an “Old Firm” game (in abeyance at the moment because of Rangers fall from grace):
Once a neutral went to a Celtic-Rangers game, standing (this was a long time ago) between two rival sets of supporters.
A Bhoys fan turned to him and asked, “Hey Jimmy (in Weegieland, everyone is called “Jimmy” – even women), you supportin’ the Huns?”
He answered in the negative.
“Guid, pal, so yous fur the ‘Tic?”
Again, the guy said that he wasn’t.
A Rangers fan who was standing to the other side of him, bellowed at him, “Then what the **** are ye doin’ here, ya ****in’ atheist?!!”
Perhaps, the current crop of jokes are associated with the fact that the Commonwealth Games will be held in “The Dear Green Place” this summer.
I came across this today:
Meanwhile, the torch relay for the Games is wending its way toward Glesca:
Some jokes that only a Glaswegian would understand:
- A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. “Comfy?” asks the dentist. “Govan,” she replies.
- A Glasgow lad in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box. So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice: “Is there money in the box?”. “Naw, it’s just me,” he replies.
- A Glasgow man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing. “No,” argues the assistant, “Look at the label – it says Taiwan”.
- While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a Glasgow guy is asked:
“What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?”
“I’d put him off at the next stop,” he says.
“Good. And what would you do if you couldn’t get the fare?”
“I’d take the first two weeks in August instead,” he replies.
- A Glasgow man, steaming and skint, is walking down Argyle Street, when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. “Whit’s up Jimmy?” he asks.
“Piston broke,” he replies.
“Aye, same as masel!”
The last word is with the wonderfully talented Stanley Baxter: